April 19, 2012

Where I am

My first new re-commitment is to my house. I lived for almost eight years in a wonderfully odd, rambling ranch house. Two of my five kids have never known another house. I do appreciate it most of the time, but lately I have been seeing the flaws and dreaming about building or buying a new house.

Realistically we couldn't move for a few years, so I need to live well here in the mean time flaws and all. Of course there are flaws, old houses have flaws! It is dark, the light fixtures are from the 80's, the tile in the front entry is cracked, the yard is so huge it depresses me to think about tending it!

But it is mine. It has held my tears and dreams and songs. I want to see again the good here. I want to tend what needs tending. I want to live here like I care about how it ages. I want to value our investment. I want to love it like I did when we first bought it, when it looked like something out of 'The Love Boat', a big empty brown space we had no clue how to fill.

I am going to start by doing some minor freshening up. New door handles. Replace the many broken ceiling fans. Perhaps new faucets in Lily's bathroom. Little things, handy man things. Things that say 'I am a whole living project', 'I am attended to'.

Yes! I am turning my dreams home here and making good with what I have.

April 15, 2012

Been there

'You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness'

One thing I am going to leave behind.

Reflections on being 40

Me after 'Spa treatment' by my 8 & 6 year olds
On April 14, 1972 I was born. 

April 14, 2012. I have been anticipating this day for a long time. I feel like my life is folded in half. First 40, second 40. Every year I live after 80 is gravy, time to enjoy the many grandkids I know I will have.

Looking at my life as a whole I am very happy with what I have accomplished so far.

The bedrock of who I am and how I live my life are in place: Religion, family, education, house stuff and politics are non issues to me now. I am just living this life. I am not trying to convince myself or anyone else to live this kind of life. It is just who I am - a Christian, homeschool Mom of 5 smart, lively, creative kids, happily married, living on 5 acres in Texas, traveling to Ireland in the summers, conservative with a libertarian flavor and committed to and supporter of artistic pursuits of all kinds. Mark and I put years of thought and sweat into making this life work. We believe in what we are doing.

My main hardships have been in my creativity and with friendships. I get unmotivated, side tracked, disappointed and feel rejection too deeply. When I am down about something in my career or with a friend it colors my day so I don't appreciate enough the rest of my blessings. I need to somehow reign that in, not lower my expectations but be realistic about my abilities and other people.

I have done many artistic things in my life so far, but nothing that has amounted to enough to satisfy me. I think the next decade is going to be dedicated to writing. I have written my first novel. It is pretty good, but I'm going to make it better and focus on finding an agent. Yep. I am. Going to try.

And I am going to quit being so hard on myself and enjoy the security in Christ and in family I have.

So this is the beginnings of my new Vision Statement..... Next I will flesh out my new Long-Term goals..... Then break it down into a Short-Term goal list..... followed by my Action Plan..... I will get there.


Related Posts with Thumbnails

Search This Blog