Mothering a first born
Yes, I do have a big boy. Sometimes it may seem like I have only little girls (and a baby of course), all my photos are of the girls, wait until you see my book - so many pictures of Laura & Lily. But Matthew is my first, my pride, my challenge.
I cut my teeth on this child. I had no clue what I was doing when he was born. I had no training on what to do as a Mom. I remember being in a panic at the thought of taking him home from the hospital with no professional baby carers in tow.
Everything he did, good or bad, I took personally. When he did something well ~ talked & read early or was in the 100 percentile for size ~ I felt pride in myself, that I had done something right. On the other hand, if he cried too long after nursing or nap, after I had played with him and done all the 'right' things, and when he was older if he made any mistakes in his schooling then I thought it was against me, that is was all my fault & that somehow his failings reflected on me as a person.
I have always expected so much of him. I think of him as an adult. This is good as he knows I believe in him and have confidence in his ability. But on the other hand I can be impatient when he forgets to bring the trash down on Wednesdays or when he distracts the girl's school for the 5th time that day or when he corrects my spelling or when he comes out at 11pm bright as a button and wants to watch America's Funniest Home Videos on YouTube right when I am about to finish up an article and am in deep 'me time' mode.
I wonder if this is all cause he is my first born? Or is it because he and I are so alike and his short comings are mine too? Or in my busyness am I intolerant of anything that slows me down?
What ever it is I need to do better by my son, my young man. I need to spend this time with him. I need to let him be young, to have the freedom to make mistakes the way I do his sisters.
As my husband constantly reminds me, he is a really good boy, he is smart and kind and he will be an awesome man one day. I want Matthew to remember the good and not feel his mama didn't just adore him everyday. My prayer for him is that he is protected from my failings a mother.