Yes, I do have a big boy. Sometimes it may seem like I have only little girls (and a baby of course), all my photos are of the girls, wait until you see my book - so many pictures of Laura & Lily. But Matthew is my first, my pride, my challenge.
I cut my teeth on this child. I had no clue what I was doing when he was born. I had no training on what to do as a Mom. I remember being in a panic at the thought of taking him home from the hospital with no professional baby carers in tow.
Everything he did, good or bad, I took personally. When he did something well ~ talked & read early or was in the 100 percentile for size ~ I felt pride in myself, that I had done something right. On the other hand, if he cried too long after nursing or nap, after I had played with him and done all the 'right' things, and when he was older if he made any mistakes in his schooling then I thought it was against me, that is was all my fault & that somehow his failings reflected on me as a person.
I have always expected so much of him. I think of him as an adult. This is good as he knows I believe in him and have confidence in his ability. But on the other hand I can be impatient when he forgets to bring the trash down on Wednesdays or when he distracts the girl's school for the 5th time that day or when he corrects my spelling or when he comes out at 11pm bright as a button and wants to watch America's Funniest Home Videos on YouTube right when I am about to finish up an article and am in deep 'me time' mode.
I wonder if this is all cause he is my first born? Or is it because he and I are so alike and his short comings are mine too? Or in my busyness am I intolerant of anything that slows me down?
What ever it is I need to do better by my son, my young man. I need to spend this time with him. I need to let him be young, to have the freedom to make mistakes the way I do his sisters.
As my husband constantly reminds me, he is a really good boy, he is smart and kind and he will be an awesome man one day. I want Matthew to remember the good and not feel his mama didn't just adore him everyday. My prayer for him is that he is protected from my failings a mother.
Beautifully put. I think all moms feel the same way. There are joys and heartaches that come with being the firstborn and the mother of the firstborn...that's for sure.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this Shona.Great post.
ReplyDeleteShona~
ReplyDeleteMy three boys came after my two girls.
Sometimes I felt like I had no idea what I was doing...raising boys.
One thing I did--I kept a little notebook for each of the boys in my drawer and wrote a little something down every day in those notebooks...something I appreciated about them.
It made me focus on the good stuff! It improved my attitude when they were challenging. And for me...they were ten times more challenging than the girls.
We survived...and they are now adults with families of their own.
thank you all,
ReplyDeleteDawn, what a brilliant idea! I am now inspired to make myself a 'Matthew' Bind It notebook (seeing as I am on a journal kick right now) and I can dedicate it to him. Thank you for that wisdom!
Shona
Shona, That is exactly how I responded to my oldest, Matthew! I was a first born too and I know I felt like I was always under the 'watchful eye' but also encouraged to do 'great things'. I wish he could have enjoyed the easy going attitude we had with the rest of our kids, but I think it made him stronger too. You have good instincts though in saying that you need to let him be a child. Everyone needs to be able to live through that stage. He is a child to those of us with older kids.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry--God has special purposes for first borns--they are the stuff leaders are made of! He knew which birth order Matthew needed to be born in. :o)
PS. I've missed visiting you!
You've captured this so beautifully. When I was pregnant with my second I felt my oldest would miss out as my attention would be divided. In hindsight I see that having another baby was the best thing I could do for my oldest as it has taken some of the intesity out of how I parent her.
ReplyDeletehuge love from another imperfect mother heart (of 2 sons...). i'm thinking i'm going to email you a picture of my oldest (age 13) who is a beautiful heart, an incredibly talented hip hop dancer & stage/speaker presence, & a challenge as well. your dear boy is gorgeous. lol. xox
ReplyDeleteThis is very thoughtful. Remember that along with the intensity of the experience of being a firstborn (I was one,) comes a lot of attention and confidence. Those first-borns can't help but think they are important! A first born also learns a lot of responsibility and many take their role as the example-setter for the younger ones very seriously. This is the child with whom you formed your family culture, and the younger ones will follow. So don't be too hard on yourself...(but do let him play and be a child!) love, Beth
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! My oldest girl is 4, and is such a logical kid, I find myself expecting her to be mature. Such a mistake! I love seeing her joke around with her baby sister.
ReplyDeleteThis so beautiful I had to save it on my External drive so I could reread it later. Your such a sweet mother and your children are beautiful
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this
Maggie
You are doing such a wonderful job of being a mommy. Your eldest son is growing so fast, but don't they all?
ReplyDeleteI moved...I would love to invite you back , I miss my friends.
blessings,
Amy's Mom
Grace
Although I am not a mother myself, I believe that because you are so aware of your son and his upbringing, that you are most definitely a great mom and he WILL grow to be a fine young man.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this beautiful post.
jj
Matthew is a wonderful young man! I can relate with my son. I forget to make time to do the little things that my son wants: being tugged in at bedtime, get real big hugs, sit next to one another during a movie! I think I depend/push on him to be more self-sufficient so I can take care of the little ones. His love language is quality time and I really need to stop and do the little things he treasures. I am thankful that he still wants mommy around!
ReplyDeleteDear Shona,
ReplyDeleteyou wrote so beautiful about your firstborn, it really touched me! I am a firstborn ( wink wink Beth!), my 14 year old son Kurando is my firstborn, followed by a baby sister after 5 years. I love to watch him, but I always have this twisted feelings of not wanting him to be the responsible one, the clever one and so on, wanting him to be free of the pressure I felt on myself. But have to say after 14 years, he took that role naturally! Now whats left for me and our last some years together, is to let him free and to give him as many cosy moments he allows me to give.
Thank you for that beautiful and touching post!
Gabriele
....and:
ReplyDeletedont be too harsh on yourself, you are a great mother!!!
Gabriele
knowing exactly this feeling, as I am blaming the same faults on me. Lets take them into our arms tonight and play a silly funny child game with them, jumping frogs!